The Power of Self Esteem on Sexual Morality

By Destiny Nixton

(Sexual Purity Strategist)

What is Self-esteem?

Self-esteem according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is described as a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities.  The secondary definition is [having] confidence and satisfaction in oneself or self-respect.  

Oftentimes, we only think of self-esteem in terms of being satisfied with your physical appearance and having a sense of love for yourself.  Yet, we neglect the most important part of the definition, being respectful to ourselves.

Let’s look deeper into the word “respect.”  One key definition of respect is “to treat or deal with something that is good or valuable in a proper way.”  A secondary definition when respect is used as a verb is ‘to regard someone or something as being worthy of admiration because of good qualities’. 

  Many individuals possess low self-esteem; consequently, they feel unworthy, inadequate, unimportant, average etc.  Some people are aware that they harbor ill feelings towards themselves, but for others, these feelings may be subconscious.  Conversely, others may possess overly high self-esteem, which may also be described as arrogance or conceit (discussed in the following blog).

How does this relate to Sexual Purity?

The way you feel about yourself, whether it’s a feeling of unworthiness or cockiness, can have major negative impacts on living a sexually pure lifestyle. 

Let’s shift our focus specifically on low self-esteem.  I am very familiar with this aspect of self-esteem because I suffered from low self-esteem the majority of my life and am working diligently to reaffirm my image based on how God sees me.

         

 So, what does God really think about us?

Isaiah 43:4 states, “Others were given in exchange for you.  I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me.  You are honored, and I love you (NLT).”

God said we are precious to Him.  Notice the word-choice, “precious.” 

It’s not that we are SPECIAL to God; but we are PRECIOUS to him.  

Something that is special to you is considered special based on your sentiments towards the person who gave you the gift.  If your feelings about the gift-giver change to negative feelings, then the gift is no longer special to you.  However, because we are precious to God, our value to Him does not decrease based on your behavior towards Him.  Whether you are operation in obedience or disobedience, you were still precious enough to Him for Him to allow his Son to die for you. 

Consider a diamond:  A diamond is a precious stone.  It holds value whether it is still in a mine or in a jewelry store.  The jeweler does not decide whether the diamond has value.  The diamond is valuable even before it is sold; humans merely sell it based on its natural value.  We are like God’s diamonds. 

Just how precious are we to God?

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).” 

If we are that precious to him that he would sacrifice his only Son, why should we ever feel unimportant or inadequate? 

So, How Does it impact on Sexual Purity?

If you allow the enemy to make us feel less valuable than what God has already told you that you are, it gives Satan the opportunity to manipulate you in several different ways. 

We live in an overly sexualized society. The enemy can cause you to believe that you will never meet anyone who will genuinely love you if you live a pure lifestyle.  Satan can manipulate you into believing that you will not fit in or be accepted into society because you are living against societal norms.  He can manipulate you into believing that the only way to show someone that you love him or her or to make someone love you is to engage in sexual activity with the individual. 

Don’t let the enemy deceive you. 

God’s word says, “Then he said unto them, ‘you like to appear righteous public, but God knows your hearts.  What this world honors is detestable in the sight of God’” (Luke 16:15). 

Therefore, just because society says that premarital sex is now a norm and acceptable, as a believer, you are commanded to live above societal standards. 

Knowing these things, always remember that God created human beings in his own image (Genesis 1:27).  So, regardless of what people say about you or what the enemy tries to trick you into believing, remember that He made you to be like Him, thus HE LOVES YOU; YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL; YOU ARE WORTHY; YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

Warning against Arrogance and Self-conceit

Arrogance and conceit, overly high self-esteem, can be just as damaging to a sexually pure lifestyle as low self-esteem. 

Matthew 16:24 states, “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

 We are Christ’s disciples and allowing our flesh to rise up and cause us to engage in masturbation, sexual intercourse, or any other sexual activities is a selfish act.

“Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does.  For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.  Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price.  So you must honor God with your body” (1Corinthians 6:18-20). 

Arrogance can allow you to think that you are above God’s judgment, or for those who have been walking in purity, arrogance can cause you to open sexual doorways that can ultimately lead to you engaging in a sexually immoral act. 

Romans 12:3 warns us against thinking more highly of ourselves than we should. 

For instance, you may be in a courtship for nearly a year and have been successful in remaining pure, but because you have become prideful you believe that you can invite your mate over to your home for a date.  Due to the intimate setting and no chaperone, you and your mate engage in an inappropriate touching.  Your arrogance caused you to put yourself in a situation to be tempted and fall victim to temptation. 

“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.  And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death” (Romans 8:1-2).  

Through God’s power that is granted to us by way of the Holy Spirit, we have the ability to break the chains of low or overly high self-esteem.

Helpful Tips

When it comes to sexual morality and self-esteem, these are a few of the best ways to combat these negative spirits.

1.      Read and meditate on God’s word to develop confidence in why it’s important to abstain from sexual sin and to be certain of how precious you are in God’s sight.  

2.     Develop a relationship with God to afford Him the opportunity to reaffirm his love for you.

3.     When you are feeling weak or are being tempted, TAP INTO GOD’S POWER! Pray to God and ask him to help you resist temptation.

4.     SPEAK OVER YOURSELF! Your words have power! Tell yourself that you are beautiful, humble, important to God, loved by God, and more than a conqueror.  YOU ARE AUTHENTICALLY YOU AND THEREFORE ARE PRECIOUS TO GOD!

Always remember, self-esteem depends on you.  It is your job to live yourself and respect yourself, just as God loves us.  

(Edited by Rufus E. Yamoah, Sexual Morality Counselor)

How to Turn Your Sexuality for Personal Success

(Note: This article is an excerpt from my Sex Seminar held for Teens at Church of God Mission, Bolaji, Ajegunle, Lagos, Nigeria)

Introduction

A lot us as Teen/Youth/Single believes that sexual feelings is bad and is useless to us because we are not permitted to explore and express it in the form of engaging in sexual activity.

But I want to let you know that… this is not true.

God is not a wicked or a foolish God; He is a Master planner and Purposeful God.

He has a reason for putting sexual feeling and drive inside of you even at your young age.

The purpose of your sexual feelings as a teen/youth is not to torment you, frustrate you and make you deviate from the will and plan of God.

I am telling you the truth: You can make use of your sexuality for personal success and profiting even without engaging in any sexual activity.

Our sexuality is not given to us by God only for sexual expression, intercourse or activity alone.

There is more to explore, discover and profit from your sexual energy. That is the purpose of this article.

Understanding the Power of Sexuality

Your sexual life has a great impact on your life and that of your fellow human being.

Everybody has their own unique way they respond to their sexuality.

Sexual energy is also called sexual drive, feeling or urge.

Every human is born with sex drive, urge and energy.

Nobody is created as an ‘Asexual’. If you don’t have any sexual feeling at all, then something might be wrong with you!

As long as you see sexual feeling the wrong way, you will respond negatively to it when it comes.

Sexual feeling is not a sin or something bad.

The reason why many fall into sexual immorality as a youth is because we lack understanding of what to do with our sexual drive.

The negative way of responding to sexual drive is by engaging in sexual activities (e.g. Masturbation, fingering, oral sex, anal sex, zoophilia, vaginal intercourse and so on).

You don’t have to release your sexual feeling for sexual immorality; you can channel your sexual energy into the world of creativity.

Here is what Your Sexual Drive (feelings and thoughts) can bring to you apart from Sexual Pleasure:

1.                  Sexual drive releases you into creative thinking.

2.                  Sex drive brings physical energy or strength.

3.                  Sexual drive can lead to hard work and productivity

4.                  Sexual drive brings inner motivation.

5.                  Sexual drive brings courage and boldness.

6.                  Sexual drive brings self discovery and personality test.

                                                                 

 Here is how to make your sexuality work for you.

One of the greatest advices is this:

Do not let your sexual emotions control you into sexual immorality; but channel it to that which will bring you into personal success, development, greater performance and positive lifestyle.

1.                  Use your sexual drive when it comes for creative thinking and imaginations. (I discover my writing skills in my struggle with sexual feelings. I have tap into unusual wisdom to write articles and poems during times of sexual urge.

2.                  Use your sexual drive when it comes for idea development. You can invent something positive even in times of sexual struggle.

3.                  In your sexual drive, try to discover a Business venture or a Ministry from God that can bring you income and bring blessings and freedom to many lives. (I am a living witness to this.)

4.                  Use your sexual drive as weapon to draw you close to God whenever it comes. This formula has worked for me so much. Let your sexual feelings motivates you to seek God, study your Bible more, increase your life of praying and fasting.

It is time to enjoy God’s purpose for sexuality even as a youth.

Practice these simple principles, and you will enjoy personal success and you will turn your fear and struggle into a mighty tool for destiny release and fulfillment.

To your victory

Rufus Yamoah

Sexual Morality Counselor

How to Handle Courtship and Sexual Purity

 

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” –Hebrews 13:4

What is Courtship?

Here are some meanings I researched:

1.    Courtship is a period set apart by spouses in order to try to win the affections of each other with a view to marriage.

2.     Courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God's will for them to marry each other.

3.    Courtship is the period in a couple's relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind.

4.    Courtship is a word that has been adopted to describe a biblical model for the relationship leading up to marriage. In the Bible, the parents were always involved in the marriage process.

If you observe these four definitions closely, you will find out that the word ‘marriage’ is spelled out.

This implies that in the relationship of courtship there must be a marriage plan in place.

It this I say, ‘Courtship is the period of preparation towards getting married to the person you are engaged to.

The Power of Purpose

Dr. Myles Munroe gave a profound truth: “When a purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable”.

The purpose courtship has been badly abused by the 21^st century youth and even Christians inclusive.

Today, the value of courtship has depreciated because of lack of purpose.

The purpose of this article is not to teach you the purpose of courtship, but to teach you how to handle sexual issues during courtship. (To read about the purpose of courtship, please read this article posted at BELOVEDHEART.NET. CLICK HERE)

One thing is clear; whatever the purpose courtship may be…you must have this in mind as your enter into courtship>>>

COURTSHIP IS NOT A PERIOD OF SEXUAL EXPERIMENT, ADVENTURE OR EXPLORATION.

The Challenge of Courtship

In the period of courtship, couples are confronted with several challenges.

All of challenges that takes place during courtship; the greatest challenge is the issue of maintaining sexual purity during the period of courtship.

Sexual immorality is the number one issue that is destroying the success of courtship in our society, church and world today.

There is Something You Must Know…

Sexual Purity in courtship must be your major goal in your relationship.

You must not compromise this because of the excitement of getting married to your fiancé/fiancée.

Your relationship is not for personal pleasure; it is for the purpose of fulfilling the plan of God for your life on earth.

Marriage is an honorable institution created by God for mankind; Courtship must be treated with respect, value and honor also. It must never be taken for granted.

I want to share some few thought with you…

How to Maintain Sexual Purity during Courtship

1.      Discover the purpose of courtship and why you need to enter one.

2.      Change your mindset: A lot of people believe that sexual purity cannot be maintained any longer as soon as people enter into courtship. This notion is not true. Sexual purity in courtship is very possible. Faith is essential in order to attain sexual purity.

3.      Sex is not Love: Of course, by now, I hope you are not one of those with the popular belief that ‘sex is love’. Please it is not and never can it be. Courtship is not a time to show your partner much you can be good in bed or how much you love him/her by giving sexual fulfillment. Beware of this idea if you want to lay a very solid foundation for your marriage.

4.      Avoid too long courtship: Listen when a courtship becomes too long, the value of the relationship begins to depreciate. This can open door to sexual immorality. A lot of people have fallen victims of sexual promiscuity because of issue.

5.      Avoid Sexual Play trap: Every time I receive questions from people, asking me if it is right for people who want to get married to engage in kissing and romancing. We all have to be wise, smart and sensitive when it comes to sexual issue. You must never make provision or invite the devil to come to tempt or lead you into sexual immorality. Sexual play is a very dangerous game. If you really value sexual purity, you must beware of the game of romancing and kissing.

6.      Don’t Engage an Unbeliever: What I mean is this: do not plan to marry or enter into courtship with any person who has no relationship with Jesus Christ, if you want to maintain sexual purity. This is where many people missed it! You may want to be sexual pure, but the question is, ‘Is your spouse also interested in your desire for purity? Can two walk except they have an agreement? NO! When there is a disagreement of purity-priority in your courtship, you may likely want to compromise to the pressure of your partner in order to make him/her happy.

7.      Avoid Living Together: This is a serious issue. So many courtships cannot be differentiated from marriage due to some practices people engaged in. One perfect example that is common today is, couples living together when they are not married. This is not right. This practice has posted one of the greatest challenges of sexual purity in courtship. No long sermon. If you want to live in sexual purity while in courtship, please eradicate or stop the idea and act of living together with the person you are engaged to marry when the two of you are not yet married. Remember: Courtship is not Marriage; Introduction also is not!

8.      Try to make vows together on purity. This formula is very powerful. When couples agree that they will protect each other and preserve their dignity and purity before they get married, it is very easy for them to overcome sexual temptation when it comes.

9.      Avoid indecent dressing when visiting your partner. Indecent dressings can open door for seducing spirit to creep in and cause sexual disgrace.

10.  Spend time to engage in spiritual exercise (e.g. studying and praying together), rather than talking much about your sex life.

11.  Avoid idleness. You should go and find something meaningful to do instead of spending 24/7 with your spouse. Both of you are not married, so shouldn’t be together all the time. This can open door to sexual temptation and pressure. Remember: An idle man is the devil’s workshop.

12.  Avoid negative practices like taking hard drugs together, drinking heavy alcoholic drinks together, going to night club and hotel together. Some of these practices can lead to sexual addiction and destruction.

13.  Always spend time to watch and pray so that you do not fall prey to lust.

These principles and wisdom I have shared with you are very powerful. You must practice them.

You can maintain sexual purity in courtship.

To your victory and walk in sexual purity

Rufus E. Yamoah

Sexual Purity Strategist